I Solemnly Swear That I Am Up To No Good: Private message to Pansy and Ron

[alt_sally_anne]

So have they been pulling all of us aside for quiet little conversations or just me? Because first Mrs Longbottom wanted to talk to me and then yesterday it was Tonks.

Mrs Longbottom wanted to tell me that they're trying to be less secretive and it's hard because they've got so many bad habits to break. Only I guess she could tell how cross I was getting because she backed off after a bit.

Talking to Tonks was better although I'm even more confused now about -- she had an awful, awful foster family, you know, Auror Crouch's parents. Once when she was sick, they didn't want to get her a Healer but they didn't want to catch the disease from her so they shut her in her room and barely even fed her.

She wanted to know if I wanted to join the Order. And what I thought was worth taking risks for, which was a good question, actually, it was sort of what Michael and I had that last really big fight over. He thought I was taking too many risks, with the potions.

And maybe he's right? Healing the muggle children who were sick last year, that was worth a lot of risk. Because some of them would have died. (And it turns out that none of them did, after all.) But the Hogwarts students who are hexed to throw up or have headaches or to drop things constantly or all the other awful things that Umbridge does to people, they won't die, or at least they shouldn't. It's about hurting people. And I can't -- I don't know, I can't bring myself to look at people who I could help and say, 'you're not hurting ENOUGH for me to risk myself.'

I don't know.

It's easier to make a decision when you know the consequences will be be annoying but not horrible, like if I'm taking a risk of being punished in an ordinary way it's different than if I'm risking being sent to the camps. And it's easier to make a decision when you know that what you're trying to stop is really truly awful, like if I'm taking a risk to protect someone from being sent to the camps it's different than if I'm taking a risk to stop them vomming up their supper.

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Private message to Pansy

[alt_sally_anne]

Anyway.

Of course talking to Siz got me thinking about this, too, I mean is it utterly mad that I'm taking the risk of being sent to the camps when she doesn't even want to risk her Mum getting sacked from her job? Or is it mad that she won't risk her Mum getting sacked, when so much is at stake?

And then there's the Order. The more time I spend around them the more I'm convinced they're just like grown-up versions of us, you know, when it comes to deciding what they'll risk and when and for who. There are people they could get out every so easily who they don't bother with and there are people they'll risk capture and death for and it doesn't always make sense. They don't think with their heads, necessarily.

It really is the Gryffindor problem, isn't it? When you let Gryffindors run things instead of Slytherins and Ravenclaws.

Though you know, THAT'S why they didn't tell me about the baby for so long. Madame Pomfrey was the one deciding and SHE is one of the Ravenclaws. If you're deciding with your head then of course you keep that a secret, don't you? Because breaking my heart won't kill anyone.

[alt_pansy]

Maybe it's just really hard to see someone in pain and not do anything?

Which is one of the reasons why you're you.

There aren't many of them. At all. I mean, from what we can tell. They might have loads and loads of members they keep even more quiet about, but really, I think we met most of them this week, and they mentioned like a few more who weren't there, but I'm pretty sure you could take everyone who's a part of it and sit them around the kitchen table at Grimmauld.

It'd be hard for a group that size to do everything right all the time and help everyone. Even if they really wanted to. I mean, we aren't perfect either.

But at least they're trying? Which is something?

[alt_ron]

Yeah. Today Mrs Longbottom talked to me.

And, well, now you say it, that makes me wonder about Charlie asking if I wanted to go fishing. D'you think they told him to talk to me?

I mean, I'm still glad I went. We took our brooms and our fishing poles and went way up river. It was dead nift.

Except he did want to talk about the Order. I dunno if he was trying to to get me to tell him stuff about us or... mostly we just talked about what they do. And what I could do.

That's what I asked both of them. And it's what I asked Dad the last time we talked.

I don't know. They both thought I might have the right idea with the land reclamation and redevelopment office because being able to go out surveying would be good. And maybe I'd hear about the Ministry's plans for building stuff or for secret facilities and also stuff that could help us know where we could set up secret safe houses or whatever that the Ministry would find because they'd be in places their not interested in, y'know? And a job like that would probably get me clearance to go pretty much anywhere out in the countryside and not have anyone be suspicious of why I was there.

Only, Charlie said something else. He said another job that would give me clearance that would be dead useful would be to be an Auror.